Dr. Marisa Earley

I met my husband in medical school. Back then, I thought that I really wanted a family and that I wanted kids. However, as my interest in a surgical career grew, we began to reevaluate our priorities. At least in terms of timing, we both agreed that during medical school and residency it would be very difficult to start a family. But this was when the idea of not having kids at all first came into my head. Even though having kids was “expected”, I thought to myself “I really don’t have to have kids if I don’t want to.” 

I remember talking to my mom about it. She told me I can and should do whatever I want to do. Even if that meant choosing not to have kids. The support from my mom gave me the courage to fully explore this option. Growing up, I had always thought that having kids was what everybody does, especially married people. So these were scary and new thoughts. 

My husband was very supportive and we openly discussed our feelings about expanding our family. He said that we are a happy couple, we are both doctors and work long hours, we love traveling and maybe not having kids is something we should put on the table. We began to consider what our life together would be like if we decided not to have kids. However, we had so few friends or family that did not have kids (by choice) that it was a difficult topic to explore. The conversation did not get any easier when I became a pediatric otolaryngologist and caring for kids was such a huge focus of my life. It became increasingly difficult for people around me to understand or accept that decision.

Whenever I was brave enough to bring it up with friends or family aside from my mom, the response was always the same. People would respond to me with comments like “but you are so nice” or “you are so maternal! You will be a great mom!” I remember seeing a meme a while back with someone who told their friend they wanted to go on a diet and the friend responded by saying “but you are so beautiful!” The person replied “I didn’t say I was ugly, I said I was fat!” That resonated with me and how I felt when talking about not choosing to become a mother. I felt extremely misunderstood. My husband and I never thought we would be bad parents. In fact, we felt that with our education, resources and personal qualities, we would probably be very good parents. We also love each other and certainly have had thoughts of wanting to create something that came from both of us.

The more I talked to friends and family, the more I felt that I could not safely explore the idea of what my life would be like if we chose not to become parents without only getting negative responses. People could not resist saying that I would regret this choice. People would also remind me that some people who want to become parents cannot become parents and so our decision was selfish.

I finally talked to a counselor about it. I asked her, “how does someone make this choice? How do you know that it’s the right choice for you?” She told me that I should seek out other people that do not have kids and be brave enough to ask them about their decision. She also suggested that I read a book called “The Baby Matrix”. The book talked about how we are groomed starting in early childhood to think about becoming parents. We are constantly bombarded with the idea of what a “family” is and how it involves having kids through our culture, media, and society in general. People say to you, “when you become a mommy/daddy someday” not “if.” There is little society level discussion about what it would be like to be a family of two, just you and your spouse, or in our case a family of three with our dog. 

Thankfully, I have had the opportunity to meet older women who decided not to have kids by choice and not because of issues of infertility or lack of a significant other, etc. They are married and they have led rich and rewarding lives both on their own and with their spouses. Over the past few years, I have felt more comfortable with the choice to not have children. I am also comfortable with changing my mind. If having children becomes something that my husband and I want, then that too is okay and we do not have to answer to anyone except ourselves. 

Upon hearing about my decision, many people have asked me what the purpose of my life is going to be if I don’t have kids and am I sure I’m not going to regret it. In terms of the purpose of my life, I could go on for hours about that! In terms of regret, I usually tell them no, I am not sure that I will not have regrets. I also think that it is not possible to be completely “sure” that you won’t have regrets about deciding to have children. Over time from my readings and conversations, I have come to realize that we live in a space where parents do not feel comfortable enough to express that sometimes they wish they did not have kids. They do not feel safe to say this out loud because they fear they will be judged and that this will mean that they do not love their children. Nevertheless, whether there is regret about the decision, the timing, or the partner, there is plenty of regret surrounding having children as well. 

At this moment in time, I feel confident about our decision to not have children. I am able to talk about it with just about anyone. I think it is important to talk about with medical students when they ask about “family” and work-life balance, especially female medical students. I want to help others realize that they do not have to have children if they do not want to and that they have the ability to choose. No one has to feel forced to default to the “norm.” I believe both men and women should be able to entertain and explore the thought and option of not having children more openly and comfortably. I hope my struggles can help someone else feel “normal” about their own decisions.